January 21st, 2014 the day of my paralysis was also the day I disappeared. Now years later I am still unable to participate in social groups or clubs regularly and nobody understands why. No it’s not that I hate being social, nor do I dislike everyone, but my social circles have definitely changed for those few times I’m up for more than just my recovery. Nineteen times out of twenty you will only catch me out at an event if I have not done anything towards my recovery.

Essentially I fell off the face of the earth. Before paralysis I was a social butterfly, out at every gathering where everybody knew my name and half of them knew my story. When people from that old life see me now it has been years since our last encounter and it usually starts awkwardly with, “what do you go by, you’re clearly transitioning”? Illness leads to isolation it could even be considered self-inflicted, but if I’m invited to something that I wont be able to fully fuel to visual or physical deficits there is a slim chance I will attend. I do this to prevent the cycle of frustration towards my body because recovery is hard enough on its own.

My social circles evolved to solely include people had gone through or are currently going through similar or relatable situations. I no longer see value in being around people who had no depth or struggle and were only concerned about tabloids and a facade. Part of living my authentic truth through this recovery is helping others to do the same. Chronic illness and trauma bonding are very real and have led to all the most beautiful and healthiest friendships in my life.

It is a huge struggle for me to only be able to be social once a week if I have had a great week with minimal pain, restful sleep, and no set backs. It would be a dream come true to br able to go out whenever I felt like it and I may not ever but one can hope right?

What do you struggle with that nobody seems to understand?

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