Over the last almost five years I have adjusted to the waves of my grief fairly well, yet both at the beginning of the year and around the anniversary of her passing I go numb for up to a couple weeks just stuck in the sadness of missing her and not being able to share all that has happened since that day with her. Luckily I know that this too will pass and whether it’s a couple days or a couple weeks I will bounce back and feel as I normally do again. This was not always the case, I was number for about a year and a half after her passing where all I felt was a numbness inside. No passion, or joy, or even hope just numbness.
This year it has hit me a little differently, but I think that is due to my upcoming surgery and actually having some things lined up for life once I’m post OP. It may have taken me a few years, but it feels like I am finally moving forward with my grief instead if living entrapped by it. Yes I still miss her, and I still cry, but that will never go away, it just happens significantly less frequently now. Grieving the loss of one of my childhood best friends at only seventeen years old, certainly helped when it came time to acknowledge and accept the grief that often occurs through points of a persons medical transition.
I am fortunate that my grief comes in waves that hit at the same times of tear annually so all I have to do is check the date when I feel that nothingness and acknowledge the source before letting the feeling pass after I’m done feeling it. For example today it hit me first thing in the morning so I decided to treat myself to enjoying my caffeine in my warm sunny backyard while music played in the background. This resulted in allowing myself to unpack what I felt and having the opportunity to get on with my day. Yes I enjoyed all three cups of coffee while a constant bead of tears streamed down both checks, but there’s nothing wrong with having a good cry from time to time as long as the feeling doesn’t control you.
I hope you are all well, do not hesitate to reach out to your support network when you need to talk.