emotions – Chronically Addison

Playing the sounds of my Soul

Music has always been a large part of my life even when I was just a kid. I started to learn the acoustic guitar at six years of age, around ten I began to learn the organ, in high school band it was the alto saxophone. So it was to nobody’s surprise that I took the opportunity to relearn guitar as music therapy to rewire my hand after I experienced left side hemiplegia.

Now making music is my biggest cause of sukha. This is why I do my best to sit down every day, find the key that fits my mood and sing out whatever is stuck on my mind. It is my most common source of peace and emotional release. I used to bottle everything up until I was in tears, so for me music has been a way where I connect to my inner self and work through whatever is going on in my mind. When people think self care, they often just think its pampering yourself, but in reality it’s about taking care of yourself so that you feel better. Whether I laugh or cry my guitars and daily play are a part of my self care routine that keep me the most level.

When it comes to genuine songwriting I try to take a more deep and meaningful approach to lyrics and piece together the TAB after I’ve got the lyrics roughly drafted. For the music I’ve been writing for the last year and a half each song was either about a love or a trauma. For me it has been telling the not so kind truths that were all cut from my novel in a way where despite some of them not being the most positive topics, they still remain heartfelt songs.

We all have that one thing that brings us peace and I’m truly grateful mine is not fishing.

What brings you peace?

Physical healing and emotional Regeneration

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Disclaimer; this is entirely my own theory to which I do not have the resources to prove incorrect or correct. I do not think there’s science to back it, but I’ve always had a theory in reference to my paralysis that it was a physical manifestation of all of the emotional turmoil that was compartmentalized into different areas of my body as physical ailment. I say this because as I have dealt with a lot of “my shit” and in times where I have noticed an improvement in my mental health I have also noticed coinciding and parallel improvement in my recovery rate or rate of improvement in a muscle movement or strength.

I know for fact that I hold a lot of tension. While some have “no chill”, I have ” no relaxation”. I have been previously described as one of the most tense people some know. Everyone is always trying to get me to relax. This is why I have a pick that I fidget with whenever I leave my home these days. I find it significantly more discreet to flip a pick between just three fingers as if I were fiddling with a pen. There are however a few people in ny life that just being around them can bring me to a calm, zen place mentally where I feel most hippie-esque. It’s not just the zen in those scenarios it’s knowing that with those people I can let my guard down and be honest to a fault without social consequence. The ones who check on me when I’m quiet because they suspect that I’m not sleeping or my pain levels are higher than I’m openly admitting to.

Being chronically ill I fully acknowledge that I count my energy in spoons, sometimes I have five for the day and others it’s five for the week. I have no desire to be around those that suck the life out of me like a positive vibe leech. I prefer to only spend my free time with people that recharge my batteries with laughter, connection, and good conversation.a few acquaintances recently claimed that they never laugh as hard as they do with me with other people. I guess I’m just willing to try and find that heart chord in conversation that will make someone laugh until they cry because I am familiar with what used to be an internal abyss of darkness.

More recently, last year I got back into counseling after my bottom surgery because I needed to process some old trauma aloud and I was finally ready to say my piece to find my peace. After each session I noticed my body starting to hold less pain and less tension as I was healing this seventeen year old soul wound. It continued to improve and eventually I started to feel a lot better on my good days and even the days where I cannot get out of bed due to physical pain are not as bad now that i survived my own mental prison. Even if it was the movement of a single digit of a finger or toe I notice a functional difference each time my emotional space improves.

Sometimes Fidgeting Can Save a Social Event

creative nonfiction

I’ll be real with you, like many others I experience some level of social anxiety and I know how loud social settings can bring up a lit for me so I fidget. A couple months ago i started carrying a pick with me at all times just for moments such as these.

Today at brunch it was the scent of a bath balm that reminded me of a recently passed ex lover. I wafted the scent for a few moments before tears welled in my eyes of that past spring lust of that sweet romantic fling. Before I began to weep I managed to inch the guitar pick out if my pocket and into my healing hand to run it through the fingers of my opposite hand. In this moment I felt a bit of comfort flow through my body at such a bittersweet time.

The scent of the bath balm transcended upon me so heavily that I could almost taste his lips and feel his touch again. Momentarily longing for that marvelous spring lust of what felt like a lifetime ago. I remember the sensation of his soft gentle hands against my curves and my hips. A steaming cup of joe in my hand just sipping at past bliss. It was many moons ago but it has yet to be forgotten.

Being able to fidget with my pick saved me from a heartfelt cry with a large group of friends, the sorrow still somber coming and going as it tends. I wear that fruitful lust in my heart for the part it has taken. The past brought me here today with the future for the making.

check out my personal underdog story here

It’s Been almost 6 years

recovery, Uncategorized

complete reference guide to the first 36 months in recovery

It’s been a hot minute since I was left hemiplegic and my life changed forever. I sit here staring out the window on a overcast winter day with tears rolling down my face. My body trembles with the acknowledgement of all that has changed and what has maintained its original form. I wish I could say that I am still that person, but like a healing plant I’ve experienced some photosynthesis and began to blossom into an entirely new existence.

From wheelchair to Walker,

from cane to cane,

From leg brace to ankle brace,

I never left a trace,

The spirit of him still exists inside me,

But he rarely shows his face,

From from paralysis recovery to gender transition,

I never thought I’d be in this position,

I continue to heal to no appeal,

I wish someway we could just get real,

The pain lives on with me still in that feel,

Somehow I sit here it’s beyond surreal,

Behind this smile is the tears of my past,

The rivers from my eyes grew so vast,

Finding my culture hungry like a vulture,

From parallel bars to winning interpersonal wars,

I’ve always been up for the battle I’m getting back in the Saddle.

Love and light,

Addison Blake

Dancing With My Demons

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Every single one of us, no matter the amount of external sunshine has a darker less sparkly side of themselves. The one that keeps you lying in bed morning after morning because you just do not contain the desire to start your day or any day. I’ve been stuck in a rut for a few weeks for sure now. I should be happy with how feminine I have become with the help of fourteen months of hormone replacement therapy, but instead I am left here on edge feeling unsafe due to my appearance. The last time I looked like this I unfortunately experienced some trauma and just having a very similar figure to that time period leaves me in tears.

How I cope with everything is by staying fit and getting those endorphins flowing so that even if I don’t feel the greatest in my body I’m still in a relatively decent mood and day. I called this post dancing with my demons because when I feel anything negative I dance it out. I just sync up some music and I dance until I feel better whether that takes half an hour or four hours does not matter.

I know I’ve been absent lately, but I’m hoping to get everything from my recovery to my pain back on track. Finally taking the advice I’d give anyone else in my position and take each day as it comes with minimal expectations. Recently I even invested in a binder for days where my girly figure makes me feel uneasy and it has been helping that aspect of my dysphoria and mental health in a big way. Just one of the Joy’s of being in the non binary section of the gender spectrum.

What’s one thing you’ve done recently to make yourself feel better?

Moving forward with positivity and happiness

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This one was another reader suggested topic so here’s my attempt. With all the ups and downs of the roller coaster we call life it can be quite a task to learn to see things in a positive light and not kick ourselves when we are down. In both my transition and my continuous physical rehabilitation finding the positive aspects and internal happiness has been a skill I had to learn to not throw in the towel every other day.

One of the most helpful tricks I rewired my brain to do subconsciously and modify my own thoughts was to acknowledge the bad, but only give attention and focus to all the positive aspects of any scenario. Life truly is about finding the balance so instead of wallowing in the bad parts I figured out how to enjoy even the worst of my dysphoria days and the static days in recovery.

Eg. 1

Some days I have limited to no functional mobility in my hand to this day, especially when I am stressed or sleep deprived. Instead of focusing on the anger I sometimes feel towards my paralysis I thank my body for not giving me any say and forcing me to take a rest day that I never take unless I cannot function. A day off here and there shouldn’t be an issue unless you’re a workaholic towards your personal goals like myself.

Eg. 2

When my dysphoria get’s so bad that I wish I could rip my own skin off I find one part of my body that I at least like and find a clothing article that emphasizes it so that even my own attention is drawn to it all day. For me this is usually my bust despite all the pain it causes me. Sometimes distract-o-boob is all I need to get through an escalated dysphoric day.

I promise that if you can find one positive in every day and hold onto it that you will make it no matter the struggle. If you are struggling also do not forget to reach out to a friend or connect with your mental health professional and learn some healthy ways to cope.

Love and light,

Addison

My 1 year HRT anniversary

recovery

I cannot believe that I started this beautiful and fulfilling medical journey to becoming who I had always been on the inside a year ago. So far my medical transition has been relatively seamless and fairly “straight-forward”. Other than some dosage adjustments here and there and the torment of dysphoria I experience as a non-binary person. The social transition (name, pronouns etc.) Has been a lot tougher. It has been an amazing year where recently I even started to see my inner me and not the toned fit boy I hid as for the longest time. In no way is being trans or transitioning easy, but just as I said in my speech, it is worth it no matter the struggle. For the first time in my life I’ve been at peace with my body and I’m still recovering from paralysis too.

At the beginning I truly believed I identified as female, but it did not take long for me to realize i was much more in the non-binary section of the gender spectrum and this was different because personally I experience bits and pieces of both trans feminine and trans masculine dysphoria. My dysphoria is the lowest when I present as androgynous as I can. I have always loved being kind of androgynous so it’s no real surprise that is where i am most comfortable, but with my now very feminine figure it can be harder to present androgynous without wearing a bunch of men’s clothes. Even at the beginning I had started doing facial hair electrolysis but I quickly realized it made me more dysphoric to not have the shadow or stubble so I stopped the hair removal and am enjoying letting it fill back in.

The social transition was the hardest especially because as soon as everyone that was going to roll with it started using she/her I changed my pronouns to they/them and gender neutral pronouns can be fairly hard for people to grasp. She Is still more acceptable than he, but there are very femme people who I let use more feminine pronouns or nicknames to identify me. It’s hard loving the chest I developed over the last year and yet sometimes wanting to tape it away and look as masculine as possible for both my own comfort and safety. I don’t keep anyone in my life that doesn’t respect my name or pronouns, which in turn forced a lot of people out of my life. I may not have a perfect body, but for once it feels like I am living in my skin and no longer a costume or mascot that I fully disassociate with

Above 11 months on HRT

Above: 2 years before HRT