Moving forward with positivity and happiness

This one was another reader suggested topic so here’s my attempt. With all the ups and downs of the roller coaster we call life it can be quite a task to learn to see things in a positive light and not kick ourselves when we are down. In both my transition and my continuous physical rehabilitation finding the positive aspects and internal happiness has been a skill I had to learn to not throw in the towel every other day.

One of the most helpful tricks I rewired my brain to do subconsciously and modify my own thoughts was to acknowledge the bad, but only give attention and focus to all the positive aspects of any scenario. Life truly is about finding the balance so instead of wallowing in the bad parts I figured out how to enjoy even the worst of my dysphoria days and the static days in recovery.

Eg. 1

Some days I have limited to no functional mobility in my hand to this day, especially when I am stressed or sleep deprived. Instead of focusing on the anger I sometimes feel towards my paralysis I thank my body for not giving me any say and forcing me to take a rest day that I never take unless I cannot function. A day off here and there shouldn’t be an issue unless you’re a workaholic towards your personal goals like myself.

Eg. 2

When my dysphoria get’s so bad that I wish I could rip my own skin off I find one part of my body that I at least like and find a clothing article that emphasizes it so that even my own attention is drawn to it all day. For me this is usually my bust despite all the pain it causes me. Sometimes distract-o-boob is all I need to get through an escalated dysphoric day.

I promise that if you can find one positive in every day and hold onto it that you will make it no matter the struggle. If you are struggling also do not forget to reach out to a friend or connect with your mental health professional and learn some healthy ways to cope.

Love and light,

Addison

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One of Recovery’s Best Kept Secrets

Most people do not come equipped with the singular focus or dive to Male their recovery from anything their top priority. One of the best things for my physical recovery was the singular focus that comes with being atypical. Since the day I decided I would beat this it has been my top priority and a bit of an obsession. I was one of the lucky few who knew at the time of my paralysis because I was a martial artist and a pole fitness practitioner. Even almost five years later my recovery is my top priority and nothing will get in my way until I am 100% recovered no matter how long it takes me.

Making ones health a top priority is isolating, can be lonely, and at times will make you feel like you are going to lose your mind. Even within friendships the time spent together had to be mutually beneficial otherwise it was another thing that added to the long list of things I felt obligated it do and eventually died off. Anyone who consistently took time away from my week got cut off. For example I had an “acquaintance” that thought they we fiving me something to do when they would pick me up just so they had a buddy while running their errands all day once a week. I’m sorry but if I want to accomplish nothing and just be there to fill a space I would rather it was my space on the couch doing something to heal my body like occupational therapy exercises.

I’ve never met anyone else that sits down with a pot of coffee every day and assesses what tweaks can be made in every aspect of their physical rehabilitation to improve the balance to get where they need sooner. Martial arts may have never been my thing despite the nine years I trained, but it did teach me that every day you can make something better if you are willing to put in the time and effort required.

My paralysis set me back in every aspect of my life but no matter the loss of potential earnings or being several years behind where I want to be. Friendships lost, opportunities not taken, I still see my paralysis as one of the best things that has ever happened to me because it taught me that I can make it on my own no matter the odds. When I heal and am ready to pursue all the things I want accomplished it’ll be a hell of a lot easier because I know how to not give up.

I have learned a lot even since I published my book, what do you guys want to know more about?

Year in Review 2018

From a book signing to my transition to finally beginning to tackle the plateau in my recovery that hit me at the end of last year and a six month pain spike where I accomplished nothing. This year has been anything but ordinary. This year was one of those make it or break it years that has prepared me fully for whatever comes next and for all I am hoping to accomplish over the next 12 months.

I’m an author that learned that I truly hate running my own reading and signings and if I ever finish my next manuscript I will pay someone to do the talking and just sit there and sign books. I read that book so many times in editing that no I don’t want to walk the length of a room and read it to you aloud haha.

My transition has been an emotional rollercoaster, no joke I cry every damn day and I’ve learned to accept that happy me is an outwardly emotional person and that has taken quite the adjustment. Almost 13 months into my medical transition now I have almost found my ideal balance between Male and female to match my nonbinary identity too. I know that the changes will continue for years to come but I could be finished my medical transition at some point this year with any luck.

In regards of my recovery I was lucky enough to start healing again and further regain some mobility. I hope that within a couple more years I will reach that full recovery and have equal strength and ranges of movement in both halfs of my body. More than anything else my paralysis taught me the patience I needed to slowly work towards a goal without seeing much progress and not lose my mind. In less words it fully readied me to transition even though the timelines now overlap.

The last 3 months since I got my worst recent pain spike controlled have been so good to me. From closer friendships to bigger goals and realistic timelines I got pretty lucky this year even counting the six months I was the living dead on a couch. I hope that all of you are equally as excited about what this year may bring.

Holidays 2018

I would like to start off by saying I’m sorry that I have been AWOL for a while and I miss interacting with you guys. Up until the holidays i have been trying to mentally prepare to see my family this holiday season and it did not work. I only know a couple of people who normally do not struggle with the holiday’s and these people were on the same ship sailing to the same unknown destination.

As rough as these last weeks may have been I can say that some awesome things happened too. For example I got the chill with a bunch of friends instead of seeing my disowned family on the twenty-fifth. Thanks to struggling with my upcoming trauma dates I have been tackling my mind with obsessive amounts if exercise and have made some progress with my micro movements. Seeing the good in the bad has been one of those beautiful skills I had to learn since hemiplegia

Spending the holidays with a bunch of queer friends where nobody’s gender identity was an issue or hot topic was nice. It may have even been the first time I ever got those warm fuzzy holiday feelings that I have heard people rave about my entire life: Pizza, board games, friends, laughter. The kind of event that makes me not want to spend another holiday with someone that shares a gene pool or bloodline with me ever again.

I need to slow down again I have been pushing myself too far for too long and it is probably why my pain is high resulting in varying levels of sickness. I might even make it a goal for next year: be less sick haha. I hope you’re all doing well and are having love filled holidays.

Peace,

Addison

My 1 year HRT anniversary

I cannot believe that I started this beautiful and fulfilling medical journey to becoming who I had always been on the inside a year ago. So far my medical transition has been relatively seamless and fairly “straight-forward”. Other than some dosage adjustments here and there and the torment of dysphoria I experience as a non-binary person. The social transition (name, pronouns etc.) Has been a lot tougher. It has been an amazing year where recently I even started to see my inner me and not the toned fit boy I hid as for the longest time. In no way is being trans or transitioning easy, but just as I said in my speech, it is worth it no matter the struggle. For the first time in my life I’ve been at peace with my body and I’m still recovering from paralysis too.

At the beginning I truly believed I identified as female, but it did not take long for me to realize i was much more in the non-binary section of the gender spectrum and this was different because personally I experience bits and pieces of both trans feminine and trans masculine dysphoria. My dysphoria is the lowest when I present as androgynous as I can. I have always loved being kind of androgynous so it’s no real surprise that is where i am most comfortable, but with my now very feminine figure it can be harder to present androgynous without wearing a bunch of men’s clothes. Even at the beginning I had started doing facial hair electrolysis but I quickly realized it made me more dysphoric to not have the shadow or stubble so I stopped the hair removal and am enjoying letting it fill back in.

The social transition was the hardest especially because as soon as everyone that was going to roll with it started using she/her I changed my pronouns to they/them and gender neutral pronouns can be fairly hard for people to grasp. She Is still more acceptable than he, but there are very femme people who I let use more feminine pronouns or nicknames to identify me. It’s hard loving the chest I developed over the last year and yet sometimes wanting to tape it away and look as masculine as possible for both my own comfort and safety. I don’t keep anyone in my life that doesn’t respect my name or pronouns, which in turn forced a lot of people out of my life. I may not have a perfect body, but for once it feels like I am living in my skin and no longer a costume or mascot that I fully disassociate with

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Above 11 months on HRT

Above: 2 years before HRT

Pain, Progress, and Procrastination

I sit here a little overwhelmed at everything that is going on right now, but realistically I am coping pretty well. Both physical and emotional pain have been high for a couple weeks, and I’m doing what I can to deal and push through it. With my pain levels as high as they have been my progress has slowed, and I’m trying to accept this as just a step in the process.

Let’s start with the emotional pain: this week my brain acknowledged that a handful of trauma anniversaries are coming up all within the next two months and I’ve been using every coping mechanism I have. I’m lucky enough to know myself and exactly what I need in these times because, December and January have been tough ones for me for years now. My most used tools this week were: square breathing, meditation, physical activity, and getting musically creative. If you are struggling this season do not forget to reach out to someone you trust and talk about it.

Between a spike in my chronic migraines and recovery pains I have gone back to having more rest days than productive ones and being the perfectionist I am is quite frustrating. So much of this time is spent pent up on the couch staying as still as possible so I don’t make the nausea worse. Probably why I used to play three instruments that took little to no torso movement before paralysis haha. As the body heals and muscles grow so does the pain. It feels like every other day the pain is a new game. I have to wake up and take each day as it comes, no plan, only a general direction and the internal drive to continue to heal.

I am hoping that next week is at least physically easier so I can get some of my personal goals back on track. Whatever happens happens and will continued to be honoured as just part of the journey. How are all of you doing this week?

Reflection of TDOR 2018

Earlier this week I was honored with the opportunity to speak about my experiences as s transgender person at an event tied into the transgender day of remembrance along with help out with a couple other events. This was the first time I have ever spoken about the violence I experienced as a trans person and it was a truly amazing experience even with a darker topic. Even with its hiccups I will admit the day was a success

While projecting my words with several cracks in my voice my eyes welled up and I let it all out in a full room of strangers. This was a level of raw vulnerability I had yet to experience. The room welled up with me and laughed with me when I tried to lighten the mood by joking about the cooler happier things I have accomplished like my recovery and my novel. They appreciated the attempt and let out a chuckle. It was incredibly intimidating, but everybody in the room was an ally solely there to be better allies to the community. With a few days to process the event I can say that personally, I found crying in front of a room full of people to be cathartic and emotionally I feel lighter and happier.

My community may not be the best, but over the last few years it has gotten significantly better thanks to allies stepping in and joining the fight to a better tomorrow. The other members of the society I was representing were equally emotional throughout the day and at the end saw the day as a success. It may have been tough and the reason I have been quiet for a while, but if I am available next year I hope to partake again. There is literally nothing more rewarding than a day of healthy, open conversation with people who are just trying to learn.

P.s. I’m going to try to get back into a weekly post for you guys.