Earlier this week I was honored with the opportunity to speak about my experiences as s transgender person at an event tied into the transgender day of remembrance along with help out with a couple other events. This was the first time I have ever spoken about the violence I experienced as a trans person and it was a truly amazing experience even with a darker topic. Even with its hiccups I will admit the day was a success
While projecting my words with several cracks in my voice my eyes welled up and I let it all out in a full room of strangers. This was a level of raw vulnerability I had yet to experience. The room welled up with me and laughed with me when I tried to lighten the mood by joking about the cooler happier things I have accomplished like my recovery and my novel. They appreciated the attempt and let out a chuckle. It was incredibly intimidating, but everybody in the room was an ally solely there to be better allies to the community. With a few days to process the event I can say that personally, I found crying in front of a room full of people to be cathartic and emotionally I feel lighter and happier.
My community may not be the best, but over the last few years it has gotten significantly better thanks to allies stepping in and joining the fight to a better tomorrow. The other members of the society I was representing were equally emotional throughout the day and at the end saw the day as a success. It may have been tough and the reason I have been quiet for a while, but if I am available next year I hope to partake again. There is literally nothing more rewarding than a day of healthy, open conversation with people who are just trying to learn.
P.s. I’m going to try to get back into a weekly post for you guys.
If you’re reading this right now there is a chance that you’re wondering what the next step to living your authentic and potentially less boring life. I get it every step I took between childhood and now was on for safety and to position my now disowned family further away so I could be as happily queer as queerly possible. I do not care and I do not want you to care at all about what the societal norms are, because if they do not match up with your happiness they do not really matter.
As long as you aren’t breaking laws or hurting anyone (including yourself) why should it matter anyways. I came out as gay at thirteen just to hide the reality of being transgender from my family. I was not even attracted to men I just faked it really well just as I did pretending to be a cisgendered male. Years later once I came out as trans i was told that if i wore gender affirmative clothing to a family dinner i would not be allowed to eat because it was disgraceful. To very abruptly tell the hostess off I wore the hottest dress I owned and painted just my middle fingers with nail polish. Out of pure jealousy of my figure she proceeded to tell me how I needed to lose weight and did not speak with me the entire event. People ask me why I disowned my family for my own health and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Having to fit into their picket fence expectations never worked so I stopped.
If you have to move out of your province or state to get as far from family as possible to find yourself and your happiness, do it. I did it for a year and despite being the hardest year of my life it was one of the most rewarding years of my life. Wait until you can afford to do it, but it is fairly rewarding if I have to say so myself. If you have to cut out all your friends and acquaintances to start being yourself, do that to. It will be lonely too at first, but you’ll gave room for those that fully love and support you in your journey to authenticity.
The topic of surviving emotional and physical pain was a suggestion from one of you lovely followers.
Making it through the turmoil of simultaneous physical and emotional pain can be a tricky game. The rules of the game change depending on which one is worse from day-to-day, but unlike fight club the first rule is not that you cannot speak of it. Despite my chronic pain I generally resort to making as many muscles ache as I can when I just cannot deal with the emotional pain at hand. Yes that results in an eventual burn out after you’ve run through the chemicals that working out releases in one’s brain, but that’s inevitable.
People often forget how physical recovery can be extremely emotionally strenuous all on its own. No matter whether they are positive or negative emotions it can be a little more than overwhelming paired with the hours of day of rehabilitation one has to do. I have recently talked of the negative so I’d rather focus on how emotional the positive days can be. All it takes to shed happy tears for the rest of the day is a minuscule improvement in strength or range of motion in a toe or finger. To any average person it sounds like nothing, but as someone who has the flashback of being told they would never get anywhere near where they have in recovery it results in being overjoyed.
From the day that I went from having no hope to knowing that even if it took my whole life I would heal, time got faster. In that moment I began to grieve and process my entire recovery journey. Honoring every toe wiggle and finger twitch has aided immensely in loving my body enough to train it and feed as it needs every day. There are people who think I fell off the face of the earth because sometimes I shut down, but really I’ve just been quietly feeling and accepting every emotion I’ve had towards my paralysis. Even my closest friends barely hear from me right now as my only priorities are health and happiness.