Physical healing and emotional Regeneration

Disclaimer; this is entirely my own theory to which I do not have the resources to prove incorrect or correct. I do not think there’s science to back it, but I’ve always had a theory in reference to my paralysis that it was a physical manifestation of all of the emotional turmoil that was compartmentalized into different areas of my body as physical ailment. I say this because as I have dealt with a lot of “my shit” and in times where I have noticed an improvement in my mental health I have also noticed coinciding and parallel improvement in my recovery rate or rate of improvement in a muscle movement or strength.

I know for fact that I hold a lot of tension. While some have “no chill”, I have ” no relaxation”. I have been previously described as one of the most tense people some know. Everyone is always trying to get me to relax. This is why I have a pick that I fidget with whenever I leave my home these days. I find it significantly more discreet to flip a pick between just three fingers as if I were fiddling with a pen. There are however a few people in ny life that just being around them can bring me to a calm, zen place mentally where I feel most hippie-esque. It’s not just the zen in those scenarios it’s knowing that with those people I can let my guard down and be honest to a fault without social consequence. The ones who check on me when I’m quiet because they suspect that I’m not sleeping or my pain levels are higher than I’m openly admitting to.

Being chronically ill I fully acknowledge that I count my energy in spoons, sometimes I have five for the day and others it’s five for the week. I have no desire to be around those that suck the life out of me like a positive vibe leech. I prefer to only spend my free time with people that recharge my batteries with laughter, connection, and good conversation.a few acquaintances recently claimed that they never laugh as hard as they do with me with other people. I guess I’m just willing to try and find that heart chord in conversation that will make someone laugh until they cry because I am familiar with what used to be an internal abyss of darkness.

More recently, last year I got back into counseling after my bottom surgery because I needed to process some old trauma aloud and I was finally ready to say my piece to find my peace. After each session I noticed my body starting to hold less pain and less tension as I was healing this seventeen year old soul wound. It continued to improve and eventually I started to feel a lot better on my good days and even the days where I cannot get out of bed due to physical pain are not as bad now that i survived my own mental prison. Even if it was the movement of a single digit of a finger or toe I notice a functional difference each time my emotional space improves.

Finding Renewal Within the Chaos

Whether you call it “the daily grind” or the “rat race” every one of us reaches a point where we have to take a step back and assess how to make our daily lives more sustainable so we spend less time running on nothing.

I will admit even coming up on six years in hemiplegia recovery and I have yet to find the perfect balance between physical output and rest. In fact I am skilled in overdoing it to the point where I am in too much pain to move and spend a few days trying to recoup.

More recently I have been working towards a better balance so that I do not require as much rest, but I am not making headway on the solution.

One thing that has helped me better assess the spoons I have is just breathing. Taking just a couple of minutes to pause, be present in my mind, body and environment. Then decide whether to continue on with physio/occupational therapies or to focus on something else and let my body rest.

Some weeks I still ignore my body because I assume that I can keep pushing a little bit more until I physically cannot move my arm or leg without wincing in pain and thus becoming couch bound.

I have been fairly strict with my recovery schedule this year. Planning my entire week around appointments, recovery, self care, and social outings, but lately I misjudge the amount of energy I have and end up cancelling all my social plans. This is a problem of having a goal in mind and being too driven for my own good.

Just like everyone else I’m very goal oriented and I would like to reach said goals in the shortest amount of time possible without injury. This is something I have to fight the urges to constantly be working towards my goals. Reminding myself that in order to heal rest is required, not earned as a reward.

For me the renewal in my chaos is the hour a day I put aside to do something unrelated to my recovery that reminds me of all the things I am grateful for in life. Usually this involves a creative outlet of various mediums, but sometimes it is spent just meditating.

What do you do to feel renewal in your life?