Most people do not come equipped with the singular focus or dive to Male their recovery from anything their top priority. One of the best things for my physical recovery was the singular focus that comes with being atypical. Since the day I decided I would beat this it has been my top priority and a bit of an obsession. I was one of the lucky few who knew at the time of my paralysis because I was a martial artist and a pole fitness practitioner. Even almost five years later my recovery is my top priority and nothing will get in my way until I am 100% recovered no matter how long it takes me.
Making ones health a top priority is isolating, can be lonely, and at times will make you feel like you are going to lose your mind. Even within friendships the time spent together had to be mutually beneficial otherwise it was another thing that added to the long list of things I felt obligated it do and eventually died off. Anyone who consistently took time away from my week got cut off. For example I had an “acquaintance” that thought they we fiving me something to do when they would pick me up just so they had a buddy while running their errands all day once a week. I’m sorry but if I want to accomplish nothing and just be there to fill a space I would rather it was my space on the couch doing something to heal my body like occupational therapy exercises.
I’ve never met anyone else that sits down with a pot of coffee every day and assesses what tweaks can be made in every aspect of their physical rehabilitation to improve the balance to get where they need sooner. Martial arts may have never been my thing despite the nine years I trained, but it did teach me that every day you can make something better if you are willing to put in the time and effort required.
My paralysis set me back in every aspect of my life but no matter the loss of potential earnings or being several years behind where I want to be. Friendships lost, opportunities not taken, I still see my paralysis as one of the best things that has ever happened to me because it taught me that I can make it on my own no matter the odds. When I heal and am ready to pursue all the things I want accomplished it’ll be a hell of a lot easier because I know how to not give up.
I have learned a lot even since I published my book, what do you guys want to know more about?
I’ve been in recovery for almost 58 months, also known as almost 5 years and along the way I have learned quite a bit about my own body and other people as well.
- Nobody will understand why the recovery wins are so amazing.
- You will likely be resented for focusing on yourself
- You aren’t ever less exhausted
- Each day is as much of a struggle as the last
To someone who has had to modify everything they do for years when you start to do even minor things the way you used to it is amazing. Fully able bodied people will not understand why you are ecstatic just doing a basic every day task. I had to train a couple people in my life how to respond when I excitedly share recovery progress with. All it takes is mirrored enthusiasm. Every time a part of my body moves or looks more like it used to before paralysis are the highlights of my week no matter how small the difference.
I cannot count the acquaintances and friendships that faded because I did not have the time or the energy to see them as much as they would have liked through my recovery. I’m a social being I can and will make new friends when I want to haha. I know I fell off the face of the earth and one day when I’ve healed and am ready I’ll get out there again. I used to be out at every event, I spent at least 3 nights a week out doing something or supporting a cause. My quaint little recovery life was shellshocking to me too.
No matter what you do as your body heals the exhaustion is real. Surprisingly a day of rest is just as tiring as doing hours of exercises. This is a recovery point that is just downright cruel. Thanks to rest days and exercise days being equally as tiring I’ve learned to just push through the chronic pain and take way more exercise days than one should. Eventually you end up living in chronic pain for so long that there are levels of pain that your brain doesnt even recognize leaving pain spikes so detrimental.
You would think that as your body heals you would be less frustrated with your body day by day. Haha nope, as the tasks you cannot achieve perfectly become hinged on the most minuscule need for improvement it gets more and more frustrating. My roommate has finally learned that when I’m bitchy it’s mostly just at my body for still not being where I would like it to be physically. I miss training in sport a few times a week. I turned into a recovering hermit just so that one day I can be the athletic social butterfly I once was again.
Rest, Down time, Chillaxing, whatever you would like to call it. Everyone required to recover from any illness or medical diagnosis needs it. Despite being what most doctors have referred to as “medically interesting” since I was three years old (almost 2 decades ago) I have still not mastered downtime. I like to treat my paralysis recovery like a new sport i can train in. Yes, this may not be the brightest of ideas ex: the vomiting mentioned in my last post. If burnout was a place I would be the mayor or ruler. If I was paid based on the intensity of my recovery burnout I would have enough money to never worry about anything ever again. I am so incredibly horrible at downtime that my friends have begun to intervene.
After I started to bounce back from my day of sickness mentioned in my last post the girls got me out of my house for twenty-six hours of relaxing girl time and some good food. It is so easy to be constantly burnt out because I train my body like paralysis recovery is the new hot sport. If you aren’t sweating, bleeding, or in tears you are not trying hard enough. probably not my most brilliant tactic, but it is how i got this far in my recovery so why stop now. I will admit that taking two days off of my normal routine and just chilling was extremely difficult, but I felt so much better afterwards. Please be kind to your body and be less of a try-hard than I.I have lost track of the amount of recovery injuries I have had because I work my body to the point of complete exhaustion.
Transitioning and recovery have been a beautiful combination though. Since getting my hormone levels right, or as close to right as they have ever been I no longer lay in bed for hours just too depressed to function. I have gone back to being that happy annoying person that wakes up without an alarm with a smile on their face at five in the morning. This also means that I have been able to push my recovery harder than every because I am not distracted by disturbingly dark thoughts all day. when your mental health improves it makes it so much easier to improve your physical health and working on either one benefits the other, which is pretty handy. The combination of my mental and physical health lately have left me using almost solely artistic endeavors to retrain the left side of my body and make up for lost time.
I am going to end this bluntly: Don’t be a dick listen to your body and your limits so that you can heal.
Everyone will tell you that recovery eventually gets easier. I am well past my half way mark and I have to say I cannot agree. There’s nothing worse than being so close to being able to do all the things you desire and yet all of them are out of reach still. So I guess all of recovery is difficult for different reasons. At the beginning it was finding the drive to keep going every day, in the middle it was the struggle of lost time because every day looked almost exactly the same and closer to the end it’s trying to not best yourself up for being so close, but so far away.
At the beginning one just goes on because they are told to, despite everyone and I mean everyone saying you’ll never get better especially after every treatment to try to correct it fails. You eventually begin to lose hope and direction and you resort to living each day just to get through the day in front of you. One day none of the tips or tricks you were given to help you work at all and when you find ways to curb it is where the next stage begins. The beginning was the worst for me because it also paired with the severe post op depression that comes with neurosurgery. I had to convince my brain every day that there was something to fight for even though most of the time I did not believe it myself.
The middle of my recovery was a strange stage where I became obsessed with finding the best ways to better my physical health. Every free waking moment spent running every possibility through ones mind of the exercises, stretches and activities one can try to get better. This was a stage where most things only worked in bouts, there was a fair bit of crossed pathways so it was a stage summed up by “One step forward and two steps back”. This felt like a plateau without further analysis, but really my body was trying to sort out its own problems, which on the outside appeared with what looked like severe muscle confusion. Then comes the final stage and final stage take: 2
In the second to last stage you are conquering recovery, have figured out how to thrive through both your good and bad days and are just itching to get back to a normal life without putting your health on hold again. This is where I am at, I can see the stars, yet I still cannot smell the roses. Every time you think you’re almost at the finish line it turns out it was a mirage and you’re going to have to fight like hell to not give up every day. I know that every other day I get a little closer, but still just wish I could pick up and start over where nobody knows my name. I’ve mastered my habits so on these days I try to just rest and maybe take a nap if I’m super trained.
I hope to get to the final, final stage within the next couple of years or so, so that I’ll be the fun life living person I used to be once again. Even if the rest of my life involves a couple of hours of physical therapy a day that would be a lot more manageable than eight to ten-hour days.
What have the stages of your recovery been, feel free to share them with me.
January 21st, 2014 the day of my paralysis was also the day I disappeared. Now years later I am still unable to participate in social groups or clubs regularly and nobody understands why. No it’s not that I hate being social, nor do I dislike everyone, but my social circles have definitely changed for those few times I’m up for more than just my recovery. Nineteen times out of twenty you will only catch me out at an event if I have not done anything towards my recovery.
Essentially I fell off the face of the earth. Before paralysis I was a social butterfly, out at every gathering where everybody knew my name and half of them knew my story. When people from that old life see me now it has been years since our last encounter and it usually starts awkwardly with, “what do you go by, you’re clearly transitioning”? Illness leads to isolation it could even be considered self-inflicted, but if I’m invited to something that I wont be able to fully fuel to visual or physical deficits there is a slim chance I will attend. I do this to prevent the cycle of frustration towards my body because recovery is hard enough on its own.
My social circles evolved to solely include people had gone through or are currently going through similar or relatable situations. I no longer see value in being around people who had no depth or struggle and were only concerned about tabloids and a facade. Part of living my authentic truth through this recovery is helping others to do the same. Chronic illness and trauma bonding are very real and have led to all the most beautiful and healthiest friendships in my life.
It is a huge struggle for me to only be able to be social once a week if I have had a great week with minimal pain, restful sleep, and no set backs. It would be a dream come true to br able to go out whenever I felt like it and I may not ever but one can hope right?
What do you struggle with that nobody seems to understand?