I’ve been doing this for what feels like a long time now and no matter how much I overdo it or if I have a balance between my recovery and my leisure I hit a wall and sleep for a day or two every 3 to 6 months. This past weekend I hit that wall and despite getting my normal amount of sleep, as soon as I completed my daily routine I curled up and fell asleep for the rest of the day. Normally I wake up a bit angry for wasting a day, but this time I felt at least partially rejuvenated and it was glorious. Continue reading “The Perpetual Burnout in Recovery”
In a few days I get the wonderful opportunity to celebrate the date of my paralysis and the increase over all these years of my chronic pain. Well that was an extremely dark intro and while yes I may be celebrating those things there is no one thing that has led to more personal growth, internal struggle, and pure happiness from within. On that note I’m going to talk about all the things I’m grateful for thanks to my recovery as I sit here writing this today.
The last 5 years I have been my own personal science experiment day in and day out. Whether it included applied past knowledge or I was just learning along the way once again I became the expert of my diagnoses learning what was best and worst for my recovery. With that knowledge I know I can tackle any task at hand no matter the time or effort it takes.
Having to be in a very committed relationship with my recovery despite all the struggles and even the times where I pushed my body past limits to where it got unhealthy. Every day despite wanting to fold and walk away I decided to fight it and prove everyone including myself wrong. It was the traumatic situations that I ended up in as a queer person with a physical disability that taught me to fight even while having flashbacks for days on end so intense I barely slept every night for a year afterwards. Knowing how far I had come and with the support of a few phenomenal friends I made it through.
3. Indomitable Spirit
Despite the hundreds of bad days I’ve had in this period I still got up every day and trudged on with a smile on my face. It was only this year that smile stopped being a mask of my physical and emotional pain, but hey we all have to fake it until we make it sometimes. This year I also started having flashbacks to the moment that my paralysis set in and I had to find the hope to recover instead of getting trapped in the fear of what was to come and the waterfall of tears pouring down my face.
4. A Modified Prospective
Trading one illness for another and adding a loss of some of my visual field in both eyes. Literally I see everything a little bit differently now. This is amazing I used to hate life so much and even with less joy than struggle in recovery the light has been so much more valuable post paralysis. It was the beginning of a streak of traumatic events that taught me to find the positive aspect in every situation. Now I am always looking for the lesson in the bad and appreciating the good.
5. My Authentic Self
My paralysis taught me that no matter how hard anything is I can make it out on my own so after my body was what I considered healed enough to begin my medical transition I did. With the loss of muscle mass the muscle tension in the left side of my body was conveniently reduced and it became easier to heal once again. As most trans people would tell you starting that process was the beginning to an end and removing that weight of not being yourself makes every day a lot easier. Yes I had to disown most of my family once I took those steps, but the self-love that took their place in my life more than made up for it.
I guess the really cliche thing to say would be I love my imperfect life.
Most people do not come equipped with the singular focus or dive to Male their recovery from anything their top priority. One of the best things for my physical recovery was the singular focus that comes with being atypical. Since the day I decided I would beat this it has been my top priority and a bit of an obsession. I was one of the lucky few who knew at the time of my paralysis because I was a martial artist and a pole fitness practitioner. Even almost five years later my recovery is my top priority and nothing will get in my way until I am 100% recovered no matter how long it takes me.
Making ones health a top priority is isolating, can be lonely, and at times will make you feel like you are going to lose your mind. Even within friendships the time spent together had to be mutually beneficial otherwise it was another thing that added to the long list of things I felt obligated it do and eventually died off. Anyone who consistently took time away from my week got cut off. For example I had an “acquaintance” that thought they we fiving me something to do when they would pick me up just so they had a buddy while running their errands all day once a week. I’m sorry but if I want to accomplish nothing and just be there to fill a space I would rather it was my space on the couch doing something to heal my body like occupational therapy exercises.
I’ve never met anyone else that sits down with a pot of coffee every day and assesses what tweaks can be made in every aspect of their physical rehabilitation to improve the balance to get where they need sooner. Martial arts may have never been my thing despite the nine years I trained, but it did teach me that every day you can make something better if you are willing to put in the time and effort required.
My paralysis set me back in every aspect of my life but no matter the loss of potential earnings or being several years behind where I want to be. Friendships lost, opportunities not taken, I still see my paralysis as one of the best things that has ever happened to me because it taught me that I can make it on my own no matter the odds. When I heal and am ready to pursue all the things I want accomplished it’ll be a hell of a lot easier because I know how to not give up.
I have learned a lot even since I published my book, what do you guys want to know more about?
From a book signing to my transition to finally beginning to tackle the plateau in my recovery that hit me at the end of last year and a six month pain spike where I accomplished nothing. This year has been anything but ordinary. This year was one of those make it or break it years that has prepared me fully for whatever comes next and for all I am hoping to accomplish over the next 12 months.
I’m an author that learned that I truly hate running my own reading and signings and if I ever finish my next manuscript I will pay someone to do the talking and just sit there and sign books. I read that book so many times in editing that no I don’t want to walk the length of a room and read it to you aloud haha.
My transition has been an emotional rollercoaster, no joke I cry every damn day and I’ve learned to accept that happy me is an outwardly emotional person and that has taken quite the adjustment. Almost 13 months into my medical transition now I have almost found my ideal balance between Male and female to match my nonbinary identity too. I know that the changes will continue for years to come but I could be finished my medical transition at some point this year with any luck.
In regards of my recovery I was lucky enough to start healing again and further regain some mobility. I hope that within a couple more years I will reach that full recovery and have equal strength and ranges of movement in both halfs of my body. More than anything else my paralysis taught me the patience I needed to slowly work towards a goal without seeing much progress and not lose my mind. In less words it fully readied me to transition even though the timelines now overlap.
The last 3 months since I got my worst recent pain spike controlled have been so good to me. From closer friendships to bigger goals and realistic timelines I got pretty lucky this year even counting the six months I was the living dead on a couch. I hope that all of you are equally as excited about what this year may bring.
I would like to start off by saying I’m sorry that I have been AWOL for a while and I miss interacting with you guys. Up until the holidays i have been trying to mentally prepare to see my family this holiday season and it did not work. I only know a couple of people who normally do not struggle with the holiday’s and these people were on the same ship sailing to the same unknown destination.
As rough as these last weeks may have been I can say that some awesome things happened too. For example I got the chill with a bunch of friends instead of seeing my disowned family on the twenty-fifth. Thanks to struggling with my upcoming trauma dates I have been tackling my mind with obsessive amounts if exercise and have made some progress with my micro movements. Seeing the good in the bad has been one of those beautiful skills I had to learn since hemiplegia
Spending the holidays with a bunch of queer friends where nobody’s gender identity was an issue or hot topic was nice. It may have even been the first time I ever got those warm fuzzy holiday feelings that I have heard people rave about my entire life: Pizza, board games, friends, laughter. The kind of event that makes me not want to spend another holiday with someone that shares a gene pool or bloodline with me ever again.
I need to slow down again I have been pushing myself too far for too long and it is probably why my pain is high resulting in varying levels of sickness. I might even make it a goal for next year: be less sick haha. I hope you’re all doing well and are having love filled holidays.
Earlier this week I was honored with the opportunity to speak about my experiences as s transgender person at an event tied into the transgender day of remembrance along with help out with a couple other events. This was the first time I have ever spoken about the violence I experienced as a trans person and it was a truly amazing experience even with a darker topic. Even with its hiccups I will admit the day was a success
While projecting my words with several cracks in my voice my eyes welled up and I let it all out in a full room of strangers. This was a level of raw vulnerability I had yet to experience. The room welled up with me and laughed with me when I tried to lighten the mood by joking about the cooler happier things I have accomplished like my recovery and my novel. They appreciated the attempt and let out a chuckle. It was incredibly intimidating, but everybody in the room was an ally solely there to be better allies to the community. With a few days to process the event I can say that personally, I found crying in front of a room full of people to be cathartic and emotionally I feel lighter and happier.
My community may not be the best, but over the last few years it has gotten significantly better thanks to allies stepping in and joining the fight to a better tomorrow. The other members of the society I was representing were equally emotional throughout the day and at the end saw the day as a success. It may have been tough and the reason I have been quiet for a while, but if I am available next year I hope to partake again. There is literally nothing more rewarding than a day of healthy, open conversation with people who are just trying to learn.
P.s. I’m going to try to get back into a weekly post for you guys.
I’ve been in recovery for almost 58 months, also known as almost 5 years and along the way I have learned quite a bit about my own body and other people as well.
- Nobody will understand why the recovery wins are so amazing.
- You will likely be resented for focusing on yourself
- You aren’t ever less exhausted
- Each day is as much of a struggle as the last
To someone who has had to modify everything they do for years when you start to do even minor things the way you used to it is amazing. Fully able bodied people will not understand why you are ecstatic just doing a basic every day task. I had to train a couple people in my life how to respond when I excitedly share recovery progress with. All it takes is mirrored enthusiasm. Every time a part of my body moves or looks more like it used to before paralysis are the highlights of my week no matter how small the difference.
I cannot count the acquaintances and friendships that faded because I did not have the time or the energy to see them as much as they would have liked through my recovery. I’m a social being I can and will make new friends when I want to haha. I know I fell off the face of the earth and one day when I’ve healed and am ready I’ll get out there again. I used to be out at every event, I spent at least 3 nights a week out doing something or supporting a cause. My quaint little recovery life was shellshocking to me too.
No matter what you do as your body heals the exhaustion is real. Surprisingly a day of rest is just as tiring as doing hours of exercises. This is a recovery point that is just downright cruel. Thanks to rest days and exercise days being equally as tiring I’ve learned to just push through the chronic pain and take way more exercise days than one should. Eventually you end up living in chronic pain for so long that there are levels of pain that your brain doesnt even recognize leaving pain spikes so detrimental.
You would think that as your body heals you would be less frustrated with your body day by day. Haha nope, as the tasks you cannot achieve perfectly become hinged on the most minuscule need for improvement it gets more and more frustrating. My roommate has finally learned that when I’m bitchy it’s mostly just at my body for still not being where I would like it to be physically. I miss training in sport a few times a week. I turned into a recovering hermit just so that one day I can be the athletic social butterfly I once was again.